You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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