just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
