I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
last night I used snow as a chaser
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
