i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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