I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
