you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
