I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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