Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
