how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
