yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
