I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
