hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
