I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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