I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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