Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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