You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
