it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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