it hurts more in the daytime
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
