All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My vagina just recognized that song.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
