So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
