words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
