just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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