I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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