I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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