she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
