if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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