Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
no, he came in my armpit
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
