mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
