You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
