why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
