I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
