Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
