His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
