Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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