Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
