Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
