Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
