I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
