Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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