Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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