Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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