The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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