I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
