Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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