it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Randomize
