guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
