He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
