I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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