for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Fuck me I smell like cheese
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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