I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I have post one night stand depression
How naked do you want me to be?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
